Setting Boundaries with Children

Boundaries are important for everyone, but especially for children. It is important that anyone who comes into contact with children, from educators to childcare providers, (and of course parents) have the tools to set healthy boundaries. Dealing with challenging behavior from children can be frustrating and overwhelming, and learning to consistently set healthy boundaries can be exhausting.  However, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are well worth the efforts for the child and family’s long-term benefits.  

 

A boundary, by definition, is a line that marks the limits of an area. Boundaries are mostly predictable and part of our everyday lives as they bring order to our days. Children tend to naturally test boundaries, and it is up to the parent or authoritative figure to learn to set and hold boundaries in place.  

 

Children thrive when they have a framework for understanding the world. It can be scary and confusing if the rules are constantly changing, or if they don’t know if what they are doing is right or wrong. Imagine if you were playing a game, but never knew the rules—you'd be frustrated and confused all the time! This is where boundaries can be very useful.  By learning to weigh the consequences of their choices, decisions, and actions, children will come to the understanding that they alone are responsible for their actions. They can also learn to set their own healthy boundaries with others around them! 

 

1.    Boundaries help children face difficult situations.  Struggling is an important lesson to help a person progress. Boundaries will help them develop empathy, learn patience, and create resilience. 

2.    Boundaries help children feel safe and secure. A parent's job is to protect their child. Boundaries create predictability and reduce uncertainty. 

3.    Boundaries help children have healthy interactions with the world.  If a child learns that they can change a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’ by throwing a temper tantrum, they could potentially learn unhealthy patterns when interacting with others. Boundaries teach children how to resolve conflict and cope when they don't get their way.

 

When beginning to set limits with your child, tantrums may increase in frequency and intensity as they test how far they can push you. Be assured and prepared for their reactions to potentially be extreme before they settle and or improve. 

 

Even if you haven’t started setting boundaries for your children it's never too late to begin. The older the child is, the harder it may be to apply these boundaries. However, with time, patience and consistency, children learn to appreciate and thrive on routine and boundaries. These guardrails bring clarity, order and predictability to both the child and family's lives. As children get better at setting and applying boundaries they may even become confused if any of the rules are broken and or ignored. When the child already knows what to expect they heavily rely on those boundaries. 

 

1.    How you communicate matters.  Never speak to your child in a mean or angry way, but let them know that you are serious.  Use a calm and kind tone of voice. 

2.    Be a role model. Set the example of the boundary yourself.  Children are much more likely to follow the rules if they see others doing the same. 

3.    Be consistent.  Don’t go back on your word.  If you made a rule, stick to it, and if you promised something, deliver it.   

4.    Show the why. If you can, try to always give reasoning behind the boundary. This helps them to see consequences and to ask questions to understand more. This will also give your child a voice, allowing them to see the bigger picture, building confidence in themselves and in you.