How I Parent Gently

When I first learned I was pregnant with my daughter, I told myself that I would raise her differently than how I was raised. Within the first few months of finding out I was pregnant, I read countless articles on gentle parenting, listened to podcasts, and even read a few parenting books. I wanted to know all I possibly could about raising kids in a way that makes them feel safe, something I didn’t have the privilege of feeling as a kid. As someone who was subjected to various forms of neglect and physical punishment as a child, it was important to me that I raise my children in a way I wished I had been raised. I wanted to be the type of parent I needed growing up.

 For a while there, at least once we moved past the colic stage, parenting was a piece of cake. My daughter is what some people call a “unicorn baby.” She wasn’t all that whiney, she ate so well, she was easy to keep occupied, and she gave the best cuddles. But I guess in hindsight, that’s most babies. Nothing, and I mean nothing could have prepared me for the toddler stage, which mind you, I’m still struggling my way through. My kids are four years old and almost three years old. They have pushed every single one of my buttons, they’ve worn out my patience, and they’ve made me cry tears of anger and frustration more times than I count. But despite all that, they’ve also shown me what it means to be an emotionally responsible parent; they’ve taught me what it means to be a gentle and safe person; but most of all, they’ve taught me what it means to truly be a parent and how to be a better parent today than I was yesterday and a better parent tomorrow than I will be today.

Gentle parenting is about parenting your child with respect for them, setting age-appropriate boundaries, and choosing positive discipline instead of punishment. Many people will tell you that gentle parenting creates entitled and spoiled kids; they’ll tell you that kids need firm discipline and need a parent, not a friend. All these claims have their truths to them, but in many ways, they are terribly misleading claims. Gentle parenting isn’t meant to make your child listen to you. It’s meant to teach your child independence and emotional regulation and maturity. It’s about making your child feel safe.

I know many people may think that I am setting my kids up for failure by doing this, but I just say they don’t quite understand yet. It’s not like my kids just have zero discipline and run around all day doing what they want. But I discipline in ways that are appropriate for their age and I don’t discipline for developmentally normal things such as temper tantrums, excessive whining/crying, spilling food or drinks, etc. If my four-year-old is doing something that she’s not supposed to, like hitting her little brother, we do time ins instead of time outs. My daughter sits next to me on the couch, and we talk about what happened and why. I ask her why she hit him, then I ask her why it’s not okay to hit, and we discuss better ways we could have handled the situation, and then she apologizes to her brother.

Now don’t get me wrong, that’s a very simplified version of how those interactions go. A lot of the time, time-ins end up being temper tantrums that turn into epic meltdowns. Something that should take about five to ten minutes, ends up taking thirty minutes to an hour. I’ll also admit that sometimes I lose my patience and I get frustrated or angry with my children when this happens. If I find myself reaching my boiling point, I simply leave them to cry and I take a break so that I don’t lose my cool on my kid and escalate the situation. Then I reevaluate and try different tools until I find one that works[MK2] .

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean that we’re going to be gentle 100% of the time. Even as parents, we still have many emotions and often have a hard time regulating them, just like our children. The important part is that we apologize to our children when we’re wrong or when we are less than respectful to them. It’s important for our kids to know that we mess up and make mistakes too, but those mistakes don’t define you as a person or a parent.

 The ability to make a mistake, own up to it, and apologize afterwards is one of the biggest things when it comes to gentle parenting. Apologizing is mandatory in our house, because that’s part of what contributes to meaningful, long-lasting relationships. Being able to admit when we’re wrong and own up to it builds trust with our kids and creates a safe space for them. I like to believe that this is what I’m doing with my kids. 

My kids come to me when they’re sad, when they’re angry, and when they just need a hug to feel better. Even if their big feelings are directed at me, they still come to me to feel safe. But they’re also not afraid to call me out when I hurt their feelings, when I yell, or when they’ve been treated in any way that’s less than respectful. My four-year-old isn’t afraid to tell me that I probably need a break and need to take some deep breaths. Not only that, but my kids have learned to apologize to each other when they are wrong, they’ve learned tools to help them regulate their emotions like taking breaks, taking deep breaths, or asking to be alone. They’ve learned to be respectful and friendly to others because that’s what’s been modeled to them. Day to day, my kids drive me wild, and I feel like I’m struggling just to survive with two little kids. But when I look back at all the tools they have developed and how great they’ve turned out so far, that’s what motivates me to keep going. That’s what shows that gentle parenting truly does work .

--Deja Williams, YUP! Young Parent and YAC member